Man In A Panic

Top (Sticky) Tip

Save 15 minutes of your life by never asking a team of Californian stationery shop assistants for Blu Tak.

I left empty handed, their expressions of bafflement and disgust ushering me to the street.

Bowling v No Friends

"HEY JONATHAN, YOU JUST GOTTA JOIN THE BOWLING LEAGUE...IT'S JUST LIKE, SOOOO MUCH FUN AND IS LIKE SOOOO THE BEST WAY TO MEET PEOPLE AT THE AGENCY.  IT'S LIKE, IF YOU'RE NOT IN THE BOWLING LEAGUE, YOU'RE LIKE A RETARD, RIGHT?"

I won't sleep for nights on end pondering this. 

Were your playground days ever brightened by the game 'Or Else You'd Die', where you'd be presented with two equally unpalatable options on pain of death? - for instance, 'Would you rather eat your mum's head or stick pins in your cat's eyes ELSE YOU'D DIE....?!'

Well noone told me that Californians play this for real. 

So that's Social Ostracism v Weekly Big Boy Skittles. 

Bugger.

To be frank, I can't write this now.  I need to pace around and smoke and drink and worry.  And then dream about hurling a cannon ball down a death slide to a Bon Jovi soundtrack.

What on earth shall I do?

There's No Problem I Can Handle

The Onion is by far the most sensible and incisive newspaper available here.

This column made me smile on the cable car this morning.

Good Vibrations

I nearly whooped again at a fashion show for ‘emerging talent’ on Friday night.  I'm not sure if they meant the designers or the 16 year old models on show.  Either way, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it.  Obviously the clothes were absurd, but the music and lighting created a charged atmosphere.

Most bizarre was the sponsorship of the evening by Elexa, a Californian manufacturer of ‘adult leisure products’.  Spotting girls circulating with silver trays, I joined the scrum in the hope of a free cocktail, only to be handed a complimentary vibrating cock ring.  Needless to say, I was buzzing in the cab all the way home.

David Brent

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Originally uploaded by jonnyeye.

Once upon a time, I dreamed about my name being up in lights.

Now it's on the door of an office in San Francisco.

Still, for me, it's a first and I hate myself for being proud enough to take a photo of it.

Commuter

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Originally uploaded by jonnyeye.

This is how I get to work.

YAY!

Eddie The Eagle

APPARENTLY this was great/radical/awesome/whoop-worthy.

I, however, was too busy being jetlagged to notice that Olympians had contructed a 100ft ski-jump at the top of my street.

Bugger.

Problem 1

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Originally uploaded by jonnyeye.

There aren't any shops in San Francisco.

Just doggie care homes and launderettes.

Got milk? I haven't and don't think it's possible either.