OK, so this is a cheap blog entry. But I flew to Chicago on Monday and was bewitched by the Skymall catalogue, a Pandora's box of absurd gadgets and inventive idiocy.
The 'Skyrest' above is my favourite - I mean, this bloke's dodgy moustache and grave-dodging-Hawaiian-shirt would have me grinding my teeth anyway. But can you imagine if he inflated this hovercraft in the seat next to you?
Of course, an hour later he'd awake from his slumber with an urgent need to empty his colostomy bag. What happens next, folks? Just how exactly is he going to squeeze past with an inflatable iceberg taking up half the plane? You'd end up holding it, a streak of dribble inching its way onto your lap while the old git clambers over your face to get to the aisle.
At which point, you'd notice his LED Belt-Buckle winking at you, like a Xmas tree fairy for his Viagra-fuelled loins.
Incidentally, I was in Chicago to meet a potential new client - not actually IN Chicago, of course, but in some miserable industrial park 30 miles from the city. He was a marketing everyman, The Man With No Appearance. However intently I l stared at him, I couldn't see what he looked like. I'm sure he did have a face but I couldn't retain a single feature of it - every time I blinked, I'd have to start scanning him afresh when my eyes reopened.
Two days later, I have no image or memory of him at all....his only legacy in my life is the new column on the right - "Words from Planet Marketing"...and I swear that these are verbatims from Mr.Invisible.
How do people do these Dilbert jobs? I can barely live with myself when I wake up every morning to discover that I'm not Johnny Rotten. This anoymous man would have made a great spy had he not devoted his life to shelf-space for meat-based spreadables.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" (Mary Oliver)
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Posted by: HowardeJohns | Friday, May 20, 2011 at 04:01 AM